*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
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Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Yes my dude
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee