I thought I was losing weight but apparently I just forgot to tie my sweatpants.
*accidentally walks into women’s restroom*
*plays it cool*
*finds comfort here*
*changes name to Janice*
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All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Spirits are you there?
U R C U T E D O Y O U H A V E K I K
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Welcome to Twitter.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Octopus: [confused] Your profile said you were 40 ounces..
Catfish: C’mon baby, we’re already here, let’s just have a drink..
“What’s your strongest trait?”
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]