@adamrensch

*accidentally walks into women’s restroom*
*plays it cool*
*sits down*
*finds comfort here*
*changes name to Janice*
*is alive*
*is free*

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@ashmensch

I thought I was losing weight but apparently I just forgot to tie my sweatpants.

@TheDrunkStory

All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside

@NewDadNotes

[first day as a drug dealer]

Buyer: got any Morphine?

Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.

@KyleMcDowell86

Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now

@Lexactly

[Ouija board]
Spirits are you there?
U R C U T E D O Y O U H A V E K I K
*flips board*

@ChickenFrecklez

Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!

Garage door is broken

@SortaSarcastic

Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.

@Darlainky

I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.

@ComedicBust

[Blind Date]

Octopus: [confused] Your profile said you were 40 ounces..

Catfish: C’mon baby, we’re already here, let’s just have a drink..

@Reverend_Scott

[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”

My fingers.

“No, like… Are you pinching me??”

GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB