I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
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[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
pelicons
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while