@lmwortho

*accidentally watches MTV awards

“Who?”

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@lilgapeach32

Who decided “have a happy period” was an okay thing to put on a tampon box? “Manslaughter is illegal” would’ve been more relevant.

@lovemyboots111

“One day I caught myself smiling for no reason, then I realized I was thinking of you….”

under a moving bus

@JaneBadall

So sorry I hit a nerve. I was actually aiming for a major artery.

@gengen874

Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.

Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”

@Just__J0

My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.

@lisaxy424

Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.

@Jam453Lane

Putting up Christmas decorations was a bad idea. I’m drunk and stuck on top of the house with an inflatable Easter Bunny.