According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
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“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
We’ve all been there…
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.