@Social_Mime

According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”

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@caraweinberger

It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.

@FrazzleMyGimp

ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.

GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.

ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.

@myonlymizztake

Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.

@mrtruthandsoul

No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.

@GrantTanaka

cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR

@oigoabuya

How to find out if you old.

(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.

@Coolhand_Comedy

May be time to get in shape. Halfway up this flight of stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning

@TeaAndCopy

ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon

@sbellelauren

whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person