@AmishPornStar1

According to all these BMI charts…

I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.

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@TheBoydP

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

@click4amanda

Officer: “Do you know why I’m standing here?”
Me: “You got all C’s in High School?”

@LarryJLund

Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.

@pilau

her: this man needs medical help

me: let me through I’m a doctor

her: why are you opening his mouth?

me: no cavities

her: he’s having a heart attack

me: flosses regularly

her: do something

me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great

@Reverend_Scott

customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?

me: [looks over at dog] that is correct

@JayElem00

I’m just one more bad decision away from my own reality show.

@hazelmotes1

Son, I grew up in a golden age when the bookstore didn’t have an entire section labeled “Teen Paranormal Romance.”

@RunOldMan

We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.