According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
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Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.