@envydatropic

According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean

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@dshack8

Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.

@LittleLostLad

Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.

@Glittermepink5

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that the worst time to have a heart attack would be during a game of charades.

@iLikeCatShirts

Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.

@thisislizz

Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.

@RachelNoise

I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.

@radtoria

[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.

@AbbyHasIssues

Sorry, package of water bottles. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

@sad_tree

[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]

“I know you’re not really an armadillo”

@Lisa_Laughs_

He shouldn’t have died so young, but he also shouldn’t have cut the grass at 7:30 am on a Sunday. (I’m writing my neighbors obituary)