According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean

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Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.


Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.


I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that the worst time to have a heart attack would be during a game of charades.


Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.


Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.


I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.


Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.


Sorry, package of water bottles. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.


[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]

“I know you’re not really an armadillo”


He shouldn’t have died so young, but he also shouldn’t have cut the grass at 7:30 am on a Sunday. (I’m writing my neighbors obituary)