According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
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Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.