According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
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The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
need him
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown