craving $300 all of a sudden
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18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
What even happened today?
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.