According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
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I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues