Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
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I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Brain: HEY 2am let’s think about Greg
Brain: He saw you scratching your nose today & thinks you picked it
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
The Zika virus can now be transmitted sexually. Luckily, most of you have nothing to worry about.
Ostriches would be scary as hell if they could fly or if they had arms, but they can’t and they don’t, so here we are. Stupid land birds.