According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
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the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Brands during Pride
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.