According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
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The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible