@ryaninco

According to my cholesterol level I’m a pizza.

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@ArielSElias

AGENT: You’ll play a character who weighs exactly what you weigh now.

CHRISTIAN BALE: Not interested.

@DosieDoe

I had a race with a smart car today.

I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.

@flashember

*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*

ATTENBOROUGH: What the-

WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID

@stormy_hero

[at wedding]
“I now pronounce you husband and wife.”
Couple kisses
*yelling from the back row
“AWKWAAAARD”

@Jenny4ashley

Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.

@RachelNoise

A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.

@Tommytoughstuff

WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.

@lecalabara

“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?

@HousewifeOfHell

My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.