Wait a second … Water parks have restrooms … For what?!
According to my cholesterol level I’m a pizza.
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AGENT: You’ll play a character who weighs exactly what you weigh now.
CHRISTIAN BALE: Not interested.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
“I now pronounce you husband and wife.”
*yelling from the back row
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.