We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
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Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Finally!
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
#milo
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever