According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
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Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
“We will wed,” I threatened
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus