According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
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[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.