According to my current parking spot I’m a physician

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My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.


My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.


Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10


Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there


Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.


I’d like to stab you now.

Please step off my carpet and onto the tile.


Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly

9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do


hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities