My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
According to my current parking spot I’m a physician
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My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
I’d like to stab you now.
Please step off my carpet and onto the tile.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t