All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
You Might Also Like
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
My brain is a bad influence on me
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”