According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
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*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
just leave it at the foot of the bed
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Danger is very dangerous
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
yeah not falling for this one
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.