According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
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My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
they finally got him. they got macavity
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area