@Shock_Monster

According to my Ex, we only had 2 problems:

1. Me.
2. Not her.

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@negaversace

Everybody loves saying “check on your friends!” without acknowledging that it is often hard and risky and difficult not to come off like “hey dude! Saw you acting nuts, thought I’d be your dad about it!”

@AntozWolf

“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.

@joshscampbell

Legal Twitter: I’m dressed in a black suit outside a restaurant waiting for a friend and a curmudgeonly gentleman pulls his sports car into the driveway. While walking past, he dismissively looks at me and barks “Key’s in it.”

The Porsche is now mine, right?

@davidkenny100

Pal: On your date, go to a French restaurant. And remember! Girls love a wine connoisseur.
Later…
Me: we’ll both have the wine connoisseur

@TheHyyyype

If you get nervous at a nude beach, just imagine everyone in their underwear.

@1par8head

Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…

@GrantTanaka

me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it

@PaperWash

Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’m a recovering coke addict

ME {trying to impress her}: Is Pepsi okay?