Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
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“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
#dnd #ttrpg
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???