Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
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At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Mmmm canned fish.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so