@JD_Barney

According to my google history, I spent most of last night trying to buy a llama.

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@BiscuitFloater

Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”

If she says yes, you can sit where she was.

@sageboggs

“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”

@flashember

COME TO ME JOURNALBOT

*Journalbot enters my study*

ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”

[very sad robot noises]

@Mikel_Jollett

Instagram: My life is a party.

Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show

Facebook: My life turned out great!

Twitter: We’re all going to die.

@joynessthebrave

This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.

@MacAnnabella

Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.

@Matt_The_1st

“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“

Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?

@Shade510

My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.

@UncleDuke1969

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”

“Was I speeding?”

“No. Because you have a pony tail.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Sir, you’re over 40.”