Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
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Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Cake safety first. Always.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice