WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
According to my google history, I spent most of last night trying to buy a llama.
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I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
me: great news! I passed the exam!
proctologist: that still doesn’t explain why you ate it
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media