According to my gym trainer, I need to cut back on drinking
According to my bartender, I look great
Moral of the story: I’m drunk

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Love is patient. Love is kind. Love has never been in a relationship apparently.


Someone stole my pencil sharpener and now I can’t stab people anymore.


I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”


the only proof i have that there is a god is that one time i saw a dude in a “Bazinga” shirt get into a car and drive directly into a tree


My boyfriend just said “HEYYYY” and I yelled “MUST BE THE MONAYYYY” because I did not realize that he had just started a Zoom conference call.


“You should go with the black one” I whispered from inside the clothes rack as she dropped both shirts and ran.



May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.


My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.