@tayandmae: According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
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@Cheese_Pile: [First day of class at law school] *raises hand* Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
@_SingleBabyMama: After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said "I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work."
@BoLenerf: Some people think I'm an uncultured lout but it's not true. For example, I know the 5-second rule on dropped food does not apply to soup.
@VancityReynolds: The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone's living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.