@tayandmae: According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
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@UncleDuke1969: Me: Damn dog is under the covers again! Wife: No she's not. She's next to the bed. Me: Oh. Wife: ... Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
@TheAndrewNadeau: [Traffic jam] CAR 1: Hoonk! CAR 2: Honk! CAR 3: Honk, hooonk! ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
@AnemoneOh: Date: what kind of work do you do? Me: I dabble in real estate [Dad yells down the stairs] She visits open houses and eats the free cheese