If you play Stairway to Heaven backwards does it become Highway to Hell?
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
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I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
If you’re in a bar and a newscaster says, “Police report the killer left a small doll at the scene,” don’t shout, “It was an action figure!”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
There’s a little girl’s voice that sings lullabies in my guest room closet but don’t mind her; she died years ago. Here’s your blanket.