According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
You Might Also Like
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.