According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
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If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.