According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
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Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
This is my cat’s medicine.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.