I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
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Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.