@Tmoney68

According to my neighbor’s journal, I have “boundary isues.”

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@NicestHippo

*runs into restaurant*
IS ANYONE HERE A DOCTOR?
“I’m a doctor”
Nice. Nice. Can you buy me dinner I’m very poor

@briangaar

*rises out of ball pit* thanks for agreeing to meet me here

@

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@eff_yeah_steph

*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*

My child: Can I help?

Me: *straight up hissing noises*

@MelvinofYork

If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense

@Marlebean

I’m sorry I asked if you lost a bet when you told me your baby’s name…

@VikeeysSecret

Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.

I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.

@JeffMyspace

Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

@ramblinma

Me: “Do that thing I like.”

Husband: *orders pizza*