According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.

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Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.


My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.


Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.


[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”


[Deathbed Confession]

I wish I’d listened to my girlfriend more often. Especially as I crossed the road after she yelled BUS.


my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”


Me: I’ll have some cold water

Clerk: sorry all we have is warm water

Me: yall got ice?

Clerk: yea



Me: I have a crazy idea


Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf