My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
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[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost