According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
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Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?