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[job interview]
Interviewer: What is your biggest weakness
Me: Well, I don’t really want to do anything


me: sacked? why?

boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name

me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]


I just want to buy an old Mercedes Benz,so people will think I have been rich for a long time.


whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes


When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion


The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.


The rodents in my home are so damn big, they step in the glue traps and wear them like flip-flops around the house.


I got fired on my first day as a paramedic for trying to revive everyone with true love’s first kiss.


All I’m saying is that if your name is Shannon, and you name your daughter after yourself, you better name her Shannonagain.


A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.