You Might Also Like

@ReticentTurnip

[job interview]
Interviewer: What is your biggest weakness
Me: Well, I don’t really want to do anything

@MrMichaelSpicer

me: sacked? why?

boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name

me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]

@TheKenyan_

I just want to buy an old Mercedes Benz,so people will think I have been rich for a long time.

@seamussaid

whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes

@MattLevy51

When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion

@HenpeckedHal

The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.

@Storminika

The rodents in my home are so damn big, they step in the glue traps and wear them like flip-flops around the house.

@hazelmotes1

I got fired on my first day as a paramedic for trying to revive everyone with true love’s first kiss.

@SkippyMcGizzard

All I’m saying is that if your name is Shannon, and you name your daughter after yourself, you better name her Shannonagain.

@hamspamtymaam

A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.