According to really smart people I should have started saving 20 years ago.

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The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold


Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors


[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion


[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,


Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?

Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.

Me: *looks warily at our kids*


I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.



Her: I hate drinking alone.

Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.


Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.