“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
You Might Also Like
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
LOOOOOOL
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.