According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
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You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha