According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
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I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
*skinny dips into black hole
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much