According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.

Is it because I’m brown??

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Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.


*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”


ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.


I react to the phrase “open bar” the way my dog reacts to everything


CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?

PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room

WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO


Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.


I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.


Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa


*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well

*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually


FRIEND: let’s hang out

ME: *takes out my accordion*

ENEMY: I changed my mind