According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
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My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
when revenge coincides with naptime
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots: