ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
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You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
HR said no more nunchucks.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
dutch is not a serious language
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u