baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
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What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
ouch
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here