According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
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ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!