I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
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Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.