According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
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Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Well well well…
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”