According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
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To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!