@TheAlexNevil

According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.

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@callmeEvian

Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes

@DrobsonKanu

1. People
2. Seriously
3. Need
4. To
5. Stop
6. Trying
7. To
8. Predict
9. The
10. Premier
11. League
12. End
13. Of
14. Season
15. Table
16. Just
17. Let
18. It
19. Happen
20. West Ham

@Dana_Bruno

What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39

@JJSummertime

My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.

@notthenanny

My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.

@EndhooS

Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips

@Sickayduh

“Dude, what’s with the outfit?”

“Bruh, I got a job as a bouncer”
*hops away in kangaroo costume*

@SJSchauer

*first date*

Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money

Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body