I’m an avid indoorsman.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
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Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
20. West Ham
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
“Dude, what’s with the outfit?”
“Bruh, I got a job as a bouncer”
*hops away in kangaroo costume*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body