@TheAlexNevil

According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.

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@imVig

Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?nTeller: well, yes!nn*Teller shot in the head*nThief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?nMe: No. But my wife did!

@Tmoney68

My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”

@KalvinMacleod

[school]
TEACHER: what’s ur first name?
ME: Juan
TEACHER: and ur last?
ME: Derwall
TEACHER: class, this is Juan Derwall
ME: *strums guitar*

@TweetsByTheTony

*runs away from it all*

*runs back*

*grabs phone charger*

*runs away from it all again*

@Probgoblin

YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.

@adamlucidi

If Earth was a rented apartment, ain’t NOOOO WAAAAAY we’re getting our security deposit back.

@roxiqt

THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”

@ItsAndyRyan

DRIVING ON HIGHWAY
Wife: You just missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you just MRS right.