@mydmac

According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.

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@jeffswarens

After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like “feeding the hungry” and “How to thank a loving wife”

@literalporn

WHITE PEOPLE COLONIZED AND ENSLAVED THE WORLD IN SEARCH OF SPICES AND DIDN’T USE A DAMN ONE

@AntoKenya

A Couple of underscores is to a couple of underscores? Ok. RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.

@UncleDuke1969

garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move

@CouchTwit

My son and I both have creepy teenage mustaches. Only one of us is excited about it though.

@ThatMummyLife

Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.

Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.

@somewhatalady

“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”

@funflaps

The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.

Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer

@Vivalazoso

Overheard at the coffee shop: ‘i think that guy is listening to our conversation’

@robin_991

15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.