According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
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“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Employees must applaud the planets.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
The internet is full of many things
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
How is it still this week?
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad