How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
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Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..