According to the police report, waking up in your lover’s arms is only romantic when they know how you got in their house.

You Might Also Like


*Snowstorm on it’s way*

America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!

Canadians – better hit the beer store.


When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.


–Wanna go rubbing in the park tomorrow with me?

Thanks auto correct, this is why I can’t have nice friends.


You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.


Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars

Genie: done. and your second?

Me: infinite money

Genie: no can do

Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now


Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)


Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.


Shrink: How would you rate your depression right now?
Me: 0 out of 5 stars. Would not recommend.


A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.


Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?

I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful