@Parentpains

According to the police report, waking up in your lover’s arms is only romantic when they know how you got in their house.

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@SexytotheNorth

*Snowstorm on it’s way*

America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!

Canadians – better hit the beer store.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.

@AdderallMomma

–Wanna go rubbing in the park tomorrow with me?

Thanks auto correct, this is why I can’t have nice friends.

@Laser_Cat

You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars

Genie: done. and your second?

Me: infinite money

Genie: no can do

Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now

@HlessHman

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

@mendigurl

Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.

@Vodkantots

Shrink: How would you rate your depression right now?
Me: 0 out of 5 stars. Would not recommend.

@bearcub577

A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.

@misfarber

Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?

I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful