According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
You Might Also Like
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
me, too, girl. me, too.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”