@TheMichaelRock

According to these Father’s Day gift sections, all dads are clean shaven business men that love playing golf and think they’re #1.

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@RdrJay47

One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.

@Prero22

I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.

@Dawn_M_

Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?

@SortaBad

OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway

ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes

LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no

@noneofyours99

SO! If the Englandy people are called English
Then us Americany people should be called Americish

That is all

@david8hughes

[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.

@StarksWeek

“Holy shit, that guy eats a lot of pizza”

-people that walk by my house on recycling day.

@iamspacegirl

God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT

Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*

@Woody_B_

ME: These frog testicles are delicious!

GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.

@TheTweetOfGod

You are free to criticize athletes. They are free to criticize you too of course, but they don’t, because your job is dull and no one cares.