One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
According to these Father’s Day gift sections, all dads are clean shaven business men that love playing golf and think they’re #1.
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I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
SO! If the Englandy people are called English
Then us Americany people should be called Americish
That is all
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
“Holy shit, that guy eats a lot of pizza”
-people that walk by my house on recycling day.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
You are free to criticize athletes. They are free to criticize you too of course, but they don’t, because your job is dull and no one cares.