@DurtMcHurtt

According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.

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@rolldiggity

1. Put “Out of Order” sign on a staircase.
2. Wait until someone says, “Stairs can’t be out of order!” and uses them.
3. Release the bees.

@ericsshadow

What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?

@Alex_N_Chains

I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.

@trims_the_fat

I put winks at the end of texts to add a confusing air of creepy.

“Making breakfast. ;)”
“Walking the dog. ;)”
“Broke in to your house ;)”

@FattMernandez

I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.

@TheTalkingPipe

I read you can have a stroke without displaying any symptoms and I was like “holy shit, I’m definitely not displaying any symptoms!”

@TheTweetOfGod

St. Patrick’s Day may just be an excuse to drink, but then again so is Ireland.

@MeDistracting

The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.