According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
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Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
🐕🍷
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore