According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.

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1. Put “Out of Order” sign on a staircase.
2. Wait until someone says, “Stairs can’t be out of order!” and uses them.
3. Release the bees.


What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?


I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.


I put winks at the end of texts to add a confusing air of creepy.

“Making breakfast. ;)”
“Walking the dog. ;)”
“Broke in to your house ;)”


I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.


I read you can have a stroke without displaying any symptoms and I was like “holy shit, I’m definitely not displaying any symptoms!”


St. Patrick’s Day may just be an excuse to drink, but then again so is Ireland.


The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.