According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
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Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Breakfast for Stoners:
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Me too door. Me too.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’